Survival

I started blogging as a way to get stuff out of my head. A way to stop it going round and round as I tried to sleep or as I paced the streets with a pushchair. It really helped me. It helped me to feel, and to be a bit less consumed by my feelings. It helped me process and channel and accept.

Right now there is too much to process. Too much to accept. Too much even to blog about. I have so many feelings about so many things I don’t know where to start. They consume me in a way so strong I don’t know they are there. I feel like I am living above them. Functioning with every day life because what choice do I have? They are bubbling below the surface of normality, allowing me to feed and clothe my children. But I know they are waiting for their time to come. Occasionally they sneak up, trying to get out. A tear escapes, a knot in my stomach twists. Usually when someone says something nice to me like ‘I don’t know how you are coping, you’re amazing’. I don’t know how I’m coping. I know that I don’t have a choice. And I know that these feelings won’t always be under the surface. One day their time will come and they will erupt. And an almighty eruption it will be because there are so many of them and they are being kept deep down so that I can function. So that my kids are fed and clothed. So that we survive. Because that’s all I can hope for right now. Survival.

My husband has thyroid cancer. It has spread to his lymph nodes. Last week he had surgery to remove his thyroid and the affected lymph nodes. He was in hospital for 7 days. In a few weeks he will need to have radiation. He will be in isolation for a few days and then cannot be in the family home for weeks afterwards.

William fell and bumped his head. He had concussion – vomiting, paleness and a loss of balance. After a few hours in A&E he was allowed to go home with the all clear. The next morning he woke up profoundly deaf. He has no hearing at all. Can you imagine losing your hearing? Can you imagine being a 4 year old boy and losing your hearing? We are lucky that we have the sign language knowledge that we have but it is not enough. His communication is very limited and his frustration is high. He is a very difficult child to be around at the moment. Very angry and who can blame him. We rushed through the assessment for cochlear implants because we need to fit it in between Shaun’s op and his radiotherapy. It’s on Friday.

Harriet had a regular check up last week at which it was discovered that one of her implants has failed internally. So she also needs surgery to remove and replace it. They hardly ever fail, they tell me. Just like kids hardly ever lose their vestibular system during the surgery.

So many feelings. About so many things. I have no idea how I am coping. I have no idea how I am supposed to cope. But I am surviving. We are all surviving. Right now that’s all I can hope for.

But be sure, when those feelings come, they’ll be coming to this here blog. And there’s going to be a lot of them.

PS – Sadie passed her hearing test. Woot.