Spray tan

It’s my birthday. I am having a party. I am wearing a pretty dress. And I am getting a spray tan. This is not my first spray tan, I don’t get them every week but for the odd special occasion they help to detract from my wobbly bits and eye bags.

When Will was 8 weeks old we went to a wedding. Needless to say I had a lot of wobbly bits and some fair old eye bags. So I booked in a spray tan. At the time Shaun worked in Hammersmith so I booked it in for what would be his lunch hour so he could watch Will. Will, who, unbeknownst to us at the time had a tongue tie, was breastfed, and fed all.the.time.

We got the tube, feed all the way there, meet friends for lunch, fed all through lunch. Shaun came and off I went.

If you have never had a spray tan, here’s how it goes. You get naked, they give you some paper pants to wear, you stand in a tent. They spray you. It takes a couple of minutes and when they’re done, you stand there while it dries.

And then it happened. The woman said to me ‘it’s better if you don’t put your bra on after, the straps will rub’. And I thought to myself ‘I can’t not wear a bra, I’m breastfeeding’

And on that thought, my boobs let down, which is a funny turn off phrase because the milk went up. UP! I sprayed the poor woman with milk. It was all down my front, the tan was washed off, I had streaks all down my front, my legs. I had grabbed my boobs, obviously, to stop the onslaught of milk so my hands were now bright orange with the tan.

Oh. My. God.

So. Unbelievably. Mortifying.

The woman was crazily professional given I’m certain that can’t happen often, if ever. She wiped me down and re-sprayed me. And off I went, head hanging oh so low.

But it gets worse. Worse!

I went back to my boys and the smallest one was not happy. He wanted milk and he only wanted milk from mummy despite me having left a bottle for him. What choice did I have? He was hysterical. I had to feed him. The other thing you might not know if you haven’t had a spray tan is that they don’t dry properly for several hours afterwards. It rubs off on clothes. It rubs off on babies. And, they generally last 5-7 days. Ahem.

tango'd baby that's not chocolate oh, the shame


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