Before I became a Mum I had grand ideas about what kind of Mum I would be. I was going to be strict, tough, fair. My kids would eat well, play nicely, sleep through the night.
The problem is, I have an excuse not to be that Mum. I have an excuse to be soft, lenient, weak. My kids are spoiled. My kids are deaf.
I still try really hard to be the Mum I thought I would be. I try to tell Will off when he is naughty or difficult but in the back of my head there is always a voice saying “He’s deaf you know. He doesn’t understand. He can’t hear. He doesn’t have the language skills. He can’t talk so he can’t express himself. He’s frustrated.”
Worse than that voice though, is the louder one that is constantly saying “and it’s YOUR fault”.
We’ve been round the houses with this one and I know that it isn’t my fault as such, and more so I know that there is nothing I can do about it. But that doesn’t keep that voice quiet.
So we’ll spend an exhausting morning at the hospital and Will gets an ice cream on the way home instead of lunch. He’ll play up that afternoon and I’ll let him get away with it because he’s over tired. They push him at the hospital, the testing is arduous. He wants crisps for tea and I let him because he’s deaf. He wants to play with grown up things and not toys and I let him because he’s deaf. He watches too much TV because Mr Tumble knows more signing than I do.
Harriet is a horrible, horrible sleeper. We are lucky if she sleeps for more than 2 hours at a time overnight. There is no obvious reason for this. She self settles during the day and has done for months now, she even slept through the night for a bit. She doesn’t seem in any obvious pain with her teeth or her tummy. She just wants boob and then she’s back to sleep, albeit for just another 2 hours. I am contemplating being tough, letting her cry it out or whatever. There are a few things stopping me but the main thing is that she is deaf. She isn’t comforted with singing or shhhing or words of reassurance. All she has is touch and if she needs that every few hours, how can I say no?
Even though it feels like it’s going to kill me, waking up so often every single night. That voice will get me first.
Because she has no reason to feed every 2 hours during the night at the grand age of 9 months. But I let her, I feed her and I comfort her. Because she is deaf. And that’s down to me.