The greenest of monsters

Jealousy.

Once upon a time a good friend of mine (she doesn’t look like that) said to me ‘Envy is wanting what someone else has, jealousy is not wanting them to have it’

I have thought a lot about both recently.

I suffer from what is, based on the above, a big old case of envy. Ever since I found out that William was deaf I have looked at all the people around me having children and wondered why they ‘got off’. Why it was my baby that got the duff gene out of nowhere. Why my baby has a harder life than theirs. Why they get to moan about sleepless nights and weaning and laundry while I sit on the floor rocking, wishing that these were the only things I had to worry about. Why do my friends get to fret about their perfectly normal children going to school, making friends and coping with the change when I, already, worry about my child going to school and being able to talk.

But not once, not ever, not for one part of a second, have I ever, ever wished that these people had deaf children. Or that their children had any kind of disability at all. Or that they didn’t have their wonderful, non disabled children.

I am envious that they don’t have to deal with what I have to deal with. But I am not jealous of their ‘normality’. I would not for one second wish this heartache on anyone.

But that doesn’t stop me from wishing it was different sometimes. For me. Not for anyone else.

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